The Porch Shock
by shoplifterette
Summary: BlaiseHermione. Pointless, humourous oneshot.


DISCLAIMER: Of course, I own nothing. All JKR's characters. As you should know when you're browsing through the "Harry Potter" section of this site. ;)

Authors Note: So, I've been out of the fandom for about a year now, and I deleted all of my stories when I left. But know I'm back, and I changed my pen name. I haven't written something new yet, but I found some of my old stories and, well... I'll upload them again. :) I hope you'll enjoy them!

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It was a beautiful evening. Blaise sipped on a glass of good Italian wine and leaned back into his armchair. Today had been his free day, a rather rare occurrence since he was a very busy wizarding lawyer. But he had charmed his boss into giving him a day off. Blaise smirked in self-satisfaction. He was a true Slytherin at heart.

He sighed and closed his eyes, enjoying the calmness of the living room. His wife was preparing dinner in the kitchen. Normally, this would have set him into a state of panic. But she was only warming up something she had picked up from a Japanese restaurant a few minutes earlier. He figured it would be safe to let her do that. And even if not – well, after his wife's first fruitless attempts at cooking he had bought a fire extinguisher and kept it hidden under the sink in the kitchen. Better safe than sorry, he thought wisely.

His eldest daughter was quiet, too. Normally she'd listen to loud rock music all day long, but thankfully she had decided to spend the evening in the garden. With her _boyfriend_. Blaise grimaced at the thought. He still had huge problems with the fact that his girl was dating. Dating! Even the thought of it was scandalous! His baby daughter was far too young to have a boyfriend. She was only fifteen, practically still a child.

And to top this, she simply had to choose Lucas Longbottom, of all people. He was the son of Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood. Such a combination couldn't be good, at least in his opinion. And as he had previously thought – the boy was _sixteen_. He was nothing more than a bag full of hormones at the moment. A dangerous, wild animal, ready to paw his innocent darling at any given moment.

Suddenly, Blaise's eyes widened in alarm. They had been gone for two whole hours now! If the ruddy bastard had even dared to lay one of his filthy fingers on her… Blaise narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

He decided that he would check on them, just to make sure. He tiptoed over to the porch door and peered outside. Hmmmm… It was too dark to really recognize anything. But the porch swing was squeaking a bit. They seemed to sit on it, he figured. Deciding to go back inside, he turned around. And froze.

He couldn't hear any talking!

He listened closely.

No, nothing…

Wait, what was that?

He was horrified.

_It couldn't have been a moan, could it?_

Deciding to take action, he turned on the outside lighting. His eyes nearly popped out at the sight he saw.

There was his baby girl, his Annabelle! _And the randy old pervert was lying on top of her!_

"Daddy!" the startled girl yelped, pushing her boyfriend away hastily. "W…W… What are you doing out here? It's a lovely evening, isn't it?" she asked nervously.

But Blaise didn't hear a word. The only thing he had noticed was that the monster that sat on the swing with his daughter had pulled out his hands from under her sweater, trying to act discreetly. He could hear the blood pounding in his ears. He balled his hands into fists and focussed on the boy. A low growl emitted from his throat. _Kill him, kill him, kill him._

His daughter stood up from the swing and pulled the now very frightened boy with her. She placed herself in front of him. "Daddy, be reasonable…" she trailed off. Annabelle was very scared herself; she had seen that look on his face just once before. And that had been when Vincent Crabbe had the nerve to pinch her mother's bum in public.

The fight afterwards hadn't been a nice thing to witness, Annabelle remembered with growing horror. Why, just why couldn't they have gone to the lake for a snogging session as they always did? She gulped. They had been too careless, and now it seemed they were going to pay for it.

She could see a vein pulsating on his forehead, his teeth were clenched and his knuckles were white from the force with which he balled his hands together.

_And now he was moving towards them!_

Annabelle did the only thing she could do to save Lucas. "MUM!" she shrieked in utter terror. "MOM! Dad is acting all strange!"

"What?" Hermione asked as she hurried onto the veranda. She took in the sight of the two frightened teenagers and then turned to look at her husband in confusion. Oh-oh…

He looked positively murderous.

Immediately, she jumped over to Blaise and grabbed the backside of his shirt, yanking him back from them. He growled again and tried to wriggle himself free from her grasp.

"What happened? What have you done to get him that angry? Have you set his favourite fedora on fire or what?" she asked, panting from the effort to hold Blaise back. Her husband, normally a cool and collected persond, was by now trying to grab them and made movements that suggested he was trying to strangle the air.

"We have snogged a bit on the porch swing, Mum. That was all." her daughter admitted, blushing slightly. Hermione shook her head. That explained a lot…

"A BIT?" Blaise thundered in a mad rage. "A BIT? HE WAS GROPING YOU, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! I SAW HIS HANDS UNDER YOUR SWEATER!" he hollered. Hermione looked at him, shocked at his behaviour. _And was that foam on his mouth?_

"Honestly, Blaise, you're overreacting" she said, trying to calm him. "They are teenagers after all!"

"EXACLY MY POINT! THAT LECHEROUS PERVERT TRIED TO SEDUCE OUR LITTLE BABY GIRL!" was Blaise's furious response.

Hermione sighed. Blaise was so conservative sometimes… "Anna, darling. Just go for a walk. And take Lucas with you. You've got an autocycle haven't you? Why don't you take a ride until he's cooled off?"

The shocked teenagers just nodded dumbly and made their way over to the parked vehicle. Blaise tried to go after them and pulled Hermione, who still struggled to keep him in check, with him. Lucas looked around nervously, fumbling in his pocket for the keys. After what seemed like an eternity he finally managed to pull them out of his pocket.

But that wasn't the only thing that fell out of the pocket.

Annabelle closed her eyes in horror. Of all the things!

Blaise growled again, grabbing in the direction of the teens as he tried to get a hold on the absolutely horrified boy. Hermione frowned, trying to look around her fuming husband. What had fallen out of his pocket? It couldn't be that bad!

Hermione's eyes narrowed as she finally saw it.

_A condom!_

Hermione growled, making a good imitation of her husband. Blaise growled again in response. Hermione raised her head and looked at the teenagers. Both where white as sheets.

She smiled sweetly at Lucas before exclaiming: "You better run for your life Lucas!"

And then she let go of her husband.


End file.
